The continuous sound of the temple bell of dakshineswar came into my ears while I was enjoying the beautiful serenity of the river Ganga. the dark images of the boats afar seemed like some peaceful creatures who didn't like to enter this world of chaos. the little boys serially diving for the coins thrown by the pilgrims shattered the waters. This annoyed the other pilgrims who were busy washing their sins bathing.
It was almost the last phase of anjali but my friends with whom I came were still standing in the Que.I'm not an atheist,but I don't like to offer God with flowers and all the elements that my friends are carrying in their hand to show our gratitude and respect towards the almighty. I've seen people saluting whenever a temple comes to their sights. I honor their devotion but I feel this 'll increase our sins whenever selfishness and narrow mindedness will engulf us soon after.
Sometimes I feel quite lonely about these matters that makes me so different from the others.
The way I think,I see this world never matched with my friends and relatives,not even my parents . I feel like a gladiator when I look at a temple . God, the emperor sitting over there. our miseries , hard times, illness , and all the other negative phases that comes to our life seems like our opponents that God sends and enjoys the war. I'm a poor warrior.
Since my birth I'm an introvert fellow but all my happiest moments, I remember, are when I was among throngs of people. My dearest companion and my worst enemy is my emotion. Sometimes even my parents suggests me of going through some counseling courses by some experienced psychiatrists. Well they don't really exaggerate the situations cause I know the terrible depression which I undergo for some little misfortunes and careless breakage of promises by my dear one's . Its not the promises I'm worried about but the negligence that resulted to them. Yes! that's what I hate . 'If I'm someone so close to you(as you portray by your behavior) then this negligence proves your hypocrisy' . And I fear once this trust is broken it'll carry you so far from me forever..
"Ahmm Ahmm" Anyways "emotions" apart. .
I usually enjoy this type of solitude . I was so lonely out there at the river side.Loneliness to my knowledge is not the absence of anyone else but the absence of communication, when I like to offer my thoughts my expressions of expressing my feelings, there are none to receive or to understand,its loneliness.. so basically I'm always lonely. My exam results didn't prove to be worth admiring and I was a little pensive too because of the same .Nothing were happening correctly. Everything appeared to turn their faces against me.Family problems, my brother's illness, my breaking up with my unfaithful girlfriend(s) . All came so quickly and hastily that I barely got any chance to even sigh at them. Why these happens with me ? why I'm so emotionally hyper ? why my sentiments are so delicate that the pain I receive from them takes so many people away from me. why people likes to exhibit wrong and fake impressions about themselves?
"babu 1ta taka daona khide peyeche"(sir,will you give me a rupee?I'm very hungry) a weak voice broke my tranquility. I looked at my sides but no one was there . A tickle in my knees showed that little boy pulling my trousers as gently as he can not to offend me for his own good. He was one of the beggars' son currently practicing under his parent's supervision and force. I took out a 10 rs paper. Begging is another thing what I hate the most. Why a human being should beg for something ?by doing so he's miserably humiliating his/her own soul. Everyone is equal with equal respect and rights.Earn your money. Karl Marx's idea.one of my ideals. " I don't like this begging, do some work and I'll pay you with 10 rs.earn your living". his eyes shined with my words. "what do you want me to do sir ?" he asked with great interest . "see those green fruits out there bring one of them to me" I said pointing toward one of the trees with long spread branches with some apple shaped green fruits . "but sir they are not edible but poisonous ones" - "why, how do you know? have you tasted them?"
the boy looked at me with pitiful eyes and said "no I haven't but everyone says so and one of my friends once had a little piece of them and the outcome was terrible with continuous loose motions for 2days". - "ok but that's your work for which I'll pay you, so hurry". The boy went and I saw him climb up the tree amazingly fast and in no time the green shiny fruit was in front of me. I took that fruit from his hand and kept my promise. The boy, dancing, went far showing his earning to his fellow partners. I got my answers.
While I dream of luxuries that little boy thinks of survival . While I lament on my unsuccessful ambition , boy cries for some money . He has an ambition of getting out of this life. While I feel sad for my departed near one's,my girlfriend(s), he fears his father's deteriorating health and his mother's hard work may lead him to some dark uncertainty. Its true that I love my near and dear one's more than myself,its true that all my emotions feelings are mostly about them.. a person can stand up against all his barriers if his or her precious people stays by their side. I consider my loved one's as my life supports. I trust them blindly and love them selflessly but what about those who never thought twice before betraying me, what about those who u slaughtered my trusts , my commitments , my feelings days after days. Were they really my near one's ? were they really cared about me as I did for them ?Did they ever thought about All the faiths , all the intimate moments I preserved within my heart before they so selfishly murdered them all? No they didn't. A faint care never rose in their heart before they,so mercilessly threw my faith outside their fortress of selfishness and hypocrisy. So why should I feel sorry about their absence ? .My disappointment for not having the 30MP camera I wished my father should have gifted me rather than that 12MP one, seemed so worthless to his excitement with that ten rupees note.
May be they are the real Gladiators of life. And God,my argument with him shall always go on. "bari cholo nastik kothakar"(lets go home you atheist) one of my friend called.. They were looking so weird yet so beautiful with those red "tilaks" over their forehead. The boys were looking like some heroes of bengali movies and the girls were like a group of newly wed wives.. together they seemed like some cute young couples.
Mom was busy making the biriyani to recover me from my grievance which was caused because she forgot to keep her promise of making the same the other day. I hugged her and apologized for my harsh behavior since then.
The next day mom spent uttering the bad effects of rich continental items and cursing biriyani while I spent my time sitting on the white "throne" . May be the boy was right about that green fruit.
- by wreetojyoti
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